pondering and musing

Well it's a good day. But every day is a good day, even when it doesn't feel like it! : ) I've taken a trip to the dark side and have returned! Yea! It feels good. My friend Stonewolf asked if I brought back any souveniers? Well yes... what are they? Love, clarity, patience, passion, hope, trust, open eyes, presence, action, and a big ol' hug for myself and everyone else. So... I keep walking one step at a time.
Last night I met some nice people in Asheville and made a deal on my truck! Yea! I will sell it to them next weekend. That means I can start looking for another vehicle! Yea for life moving forward. Also I finally got a new laptop since mine died several weeks ago.... whew! Great to have!! Also..... my sister and her husband are having a baby!!! YEA!! I'm so happy and excited for them.
This is like an online journal for me at times... So a year and a half ago I decided to get rid of nearly everything I owned, leave Raleigh and go traveling in my travel trailer. I hit the road and ran into some obstacles... one being the trailer was a bit more inconvenient than I thought it would be. Another being I had so many places I wanted to go, and was trying to do it all at once- it was overwhelming. Another being I ended up realizing I kind of really wanted someone else to share it all with! I do alot and travel alot by myself, and enjoy it- but sometimes time after time it would be nice to have someone to share the really cool fun times with. So I ended up doing some traveling in Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Kentucky, Tennessee and North Carolina. Then I went to Costa Rica for a month. It was a great time for some exploration and reflection. Then it was time to move somewhere and I couldn't decide where. There were many places, but nothing really grabbing my heart and pulling me there. I was considering Oregon/Washington, Austin, San Antonio, Nashville, middle TN, Lexington, Asheville and Costa Rica. I couldn't decide, so I found a great little A-frame next to the woods in Erwin, TN, and decided to move there for a while until I figured out where is next. So... that leads us up to today. I'm here in Erwin,and my lease ends this month. My landlord called last night and wants to know my plans. Yikes... I don't know! I love the natural beauty here.... I really love it so much. I really find the social/community aspects of this town and nearby Johnson City to be lacking for me, and have realized how much I need/want this in my life! I feel alone. Now, I feel alone alot, but this is something different. Last night when I went to Asheville, I drove around downtown and there were SO many people! Fun people doing fun things. It was kind of shocking... realized how isolated I've been! I kind of forgot there was that out in the world, I guess. There are friends here that I have who are really important to me. The opportunity to be close to ceremony is hugely important to me. But... at the same time, I don't feel like I can live here every day, not feeling content, for ceremonies that happen every so often. If it all fit better, if I felt comfortable here and felt fulfilled in more than a few ways, it would be fine. But there is something lacking and I feel I need to be able give more of myself and receive more also. So... I'm thinking. My Vision Quest is in September, so I'll be here until after that as that is my focus for the time being. My friends are spread out all over the place- Tennessee, North Carolina, Kentucky, Ohio, Texas, etc. I'd like to live somewhere with a warmer winter. I'd like to have like-minded people around. So, we'll see.... any ideas or suggestions?

Well it's almost August 2009.... crazy.....
make the most of every moment!!!

here's a poem from my calendar for August:

"God and I have become
like two giant fat people
living in a tiny boat.
We keep bumping into each other
and laughing."

-Hafiz, Love Poems from God

Hmm

Well I've gotten to be a pretty good flea-picker. (could write a song about that!) Yep, that's right. We have a flea problem. The nasty flea med I was using wasn't working, now it's a battle to conquer the house and animals back from the fleas! Many flea baths, flea powder, salt, etc and the vet said today I must flea bomb the house and treat the yard. All of this and I can't stand pesticides!! But it must be done- noone in the house is happy except the fleas. It's not too bad, but it could be soon. It is difficult with 5 animals living out in the country. Those fleas can get out of control fast! I'm glad they're happy, but they need to find another home!

So today I'm practicing fasting for my Vision Quest... a slow process that I'm hoping will end up being ok with my low blood sugar and all. I have faith it will work out. But I'm taking it slow. Preparations are coming along.... it will be here before I know it, that's for sure. And it's alot of preparation.... all really good stuff- much needed in my life.

So I've been thinking on a few ideas... I don't know if anyone reads this or has any opinions or suggestions.... My lease is up next month and I will stay through Sept. I'm sure because of my Vision Quest. I am tossing around some ideas- stay in Erwin, move closer to Johnson City, or move to Austin ?? or?? I'll write more about that later.

Hoping you all are well out there- much love to all my friends and family.

Matt Urmy & Chastity Brown

I happened to see two most wonderful singers/songwriters the other night at the strange little coffeehouse in Johnson City.... I highly recommend seeing them if at all possible- Matt Urmy and Chastity Brown. Definitley worth checking out..... amazing music and amazing people. : )

Home is Where the Heart Is

Greetings to everything everywhere- I'm not sure if anyone reads this, and I think I might be writing to myself, which is just fine with me! I have been having a bit of a difficult time lately, well within the past two weeks and really within the last week. But a way off balance week for me feels way too long!! Just been having some transition time, I guess you could call it, with my life in general- life, love, work, home, direction, etc etc etc. So it's good, it's growth for sure, but man the lows of difficulties of it are not fun! So yesterday I unexpectedly ran into a friend of mine who is homeless- I saw him at a coffeehouse we'd hung out at before and so we hung out for many hours. Actually most of the time was spent hanging out with several homeless guys. Some homeless by circumstance, some by choice. I learned alot about street life, and about my friend. We had some really great and needed talks- things that really helped me with my situation, and also helped him. He is an angel and although he comes and goes, I am thankful for having him in my life. So really the gist of our conversation was about how it's really all about what's inside of us, not what's outside of us. Now, of course what's outside reflects what's inside, etc etc- yes, but the change and the work must be done on the inside for the outside to feel ok, or to come into the ways we'd like it to be. Make any sense? It's simple yes but profound- and maybe just for us- and as we were talking we said the same thing- well, duh! of course, we know this is it so simple but it's amazing how in the midst of living and life we pass it up! How we feel about ourselves on the inside- how we are with us- how truly loving and accepting- unconditionally- we are of ourselves. How we aren't our biggest judge and critic! How we are totally ok wherever we are. It's simple yet I bet most of us can do some work in this area! Anyways.... enough ranting..... hanging around and talking with those in different life situations did help me to be really thankful for all I have and all I work for and all that makes me very happy every day. It also helped me to learn, or remember what's important when I'm feeling very lost and unsure. Until next time...

In the blender...

This is just a touching base... wow it's been 3 1/2 months since my last post! Amazing!!! Things right now are in the midst of a shift and I will write more in the next few days... Much love to you...be well...be happy...enjoy the moment...love each other!