p.s.

I am so thankful for everything in my life, and everything that comes to me to help support me in living the best life I can.

It is easy to see who your real friends are, and who really loves and cares about you. It is those who show up when you need them, those who come out and give a little nudge of love from time to time, and those who are a steady stream of love. I am grateful to have such wonderful, beautiful people in my lif who care for me. I am also grateful to see the difference, and be able to lovingly let go of those who my love is not received by.

~mitakyue oyasin~
love and gratefulness to all my relations

what an experience...

Zeppelin's surgery went well, but she's had some complications since then. She seemed to be in alot of pain from the time I picked her up from the vet and all through the night. She was constantly panting, shaking and whining. And I mean constant. I took her to the emergency vet at 10pm and they gave her more pain meds. When we got home, she finally slept from 1am to 4am, and then woke up again with the same symptoms. I waited until 5am to give her a pain pill and it made no difference. We were up until we could get to the vet at 8am. They wanted us to wait to see the doctor since her not reacting to the pain medicine could mean something else was going on. So, the vet prescribed more pain meds and said it was a blood clot in her lungs, a complication from the anesthesia during surgery. It would take a few days for her body to absorb the clot, and it would just be managing the pain for that time. Her surgery incision wasn't even sore to the touch, so that was not the problem. I felt alot better at least knowing it wasn't the incision. So we went home and the same symptoms continued and only seemed slightly better. It wasn't until about 8pm that the whining started to slow down, and she would lay down and nod off for a minute. At this time I was trying to decide whether to give her the injection she was due for... would it help her or send her back to the anxious panting shaking whining state? I wanted more than anything for her to rest and sleep (she'd only laid down and slept for the three hours). At 10pm she was quieter and laying down more and started to sleep for a few minutes. I decided at that point that I would not give her the shot and hoped she would continue to get more relaxed and sleep. And, I could sleep also. She then slept through the night, from about midnight through 8am!! I have not given her the injection this morning either, but did give her the pain pill that is more for neurological/nerve pain and is supposed to make her a little groggy. She's seemed ok with pain, and is now (it's noon) sleeping! So, my conclusion is that she was having a negative reaction to the pain meds. And, we just kept feeding it with more pain meds. She was having an anxious nervous reaction, especially when she really needed to sleep. I'm suprised the vets (the emergency vet and especially our regular vet) didn't even think of that. Only yesterday afternoon when I called the vet asking if anything worse could happen- if I needed to watch for anything more- did she say some dogs have different reactions to pain meds, and one dog she saw rescently got depressed with pain meds. ?? So, in the end, after all of that, and the $300 extra vet costs, she's feeling better, and my guess is there is no blood clot. I'll still wait and see how she is, and treat her for pain if she needs it. Most of all, I'm so happy and releived that she is finally resting. It has been a crazy experience being with a loved one in constant pain. It's been exhausting physically and emotionally. Thank you for all of the loving thoughts and prayers for her (and our) well being.

Going to California...

The decision has been made- I'm going to Dog Psychology School! I'm SO excited. It will be a month in California and then six months back at home working with dogs and being mentored by my teacher. It was a big decision for me, and I knew it was what I wanted to do, it just came along with alot of self-doubts! It's amazing- I feel like I've done alot of work in that arena- and here is something that is bringing it all up in my face again. I guess this is pretty important if it's bringing all of this old deep stuff up again. At times it feels as if I haven't done any work on it in the past. But, that doesn't matter. What matters is that it's here now, and I love myself and accept and support myself right now.

Zeppelin is having surgery today to remove a tumor that is cancerous. She has lots of fatty cysts, but this is the first one to be cancer. Breast cancer. We don't know if it is a localized cancer or one that spreads, but we'll find out in a few days after the biopsy. Hopefully it will be the localized type, but I also wouldn't be suprised if it spreads. We'll see soon though. It should be easy to remove and hopefully her recovery will be easy as well.

I'm headed to California in about two weeks. I can't wait for some warmer weather! It warmed up to the 50's and nearly 60 yesterday, but now it's headed back to the 30's and 40's. It's ok, it's better than the teens or 20's. I'm not sure when it starts to warm up a little in the Asheville area. Hopefully it's soon.

Seems like there are other things to write about, but for now I think this will be it. I'll write more later. I hope you are well out there :)

a fork in the road...

I'm in the midst of a decision. A big decision, but also a simple one. Depends on how you look at it. It's a decision on a path, a direction, an investment, and an experience for growth. I will share what it is about once I've decided what I'll do. For now, I know what my heart is telling me. My head is still deciding. My soul is not sure- and is questioning my path. There is a fork in the road that has been presented to me. I have been asking and praying for my path in life- what is it that I am here to do? And now a choice has come. And in my eyes it's a pretty big choice- in that it will lead me in one direction, and it will require a significant sacrifice from me. And of course, that is if I choose to take that road. If I don't, then I keep looking. It is also difficult for me to trust myself. I have made many choices in the past, felt good about decisions, only to find out that the feeling was not as true as I thought it was. Now I know everything that has happened to me has happened for a reason. And I know that everything I've chosen in my life has taught me something very valuable, no matter what it was. I am looking for a more stable path now. I am looking for what my heart is drawn to, what is me, truly me. I want to give the gifts I'm here to give. I want to live in a way that I feel satisfied that I am doing something important. I want to see a path ahead and feel confident that I am doing the right thing for me. So, I will have a decision on this particular fork in the road within the next few days. I'm praying for guidance, for support, for clarity, and for courage.

Clarification

I've come to understand part of why I have this blog. It has been quite confusing for me for a while. It started out as another site which was for my travels, and when my travels ended, I switched to the blog form as people seemed to like to be able to keep up with what was happening in my life. I also liked this. Then it got confusing as I felt as though I was writing to people, and needed to write what they wanted to hear about, when mostly I wanted to write about my inner processings, and outer experiences. I was conflicted and didn't know why I was writing at all. What was the point in all of it? It seemed there was something more than just narcissistic writing. I've finally come to understand that I just need an outlet to express my thoughts, feelings and experiences. Sometimes friends don't want to hear, care to hear, need to hear- and sometimes they do. But I don't like to express to a friend my intimate feelings and then feel like I've just made a deposit on them and there is no dialogue, no dance in return. So I believe that is part of the reason for this- to be able to express myself (something I've learned is very important for me), to fulfill this need for writing (something I still don't quite understand) and to be able to share my thoughts and experiences, possibly being able to help someone else in that also. So, if anyone is reading this, thank you for your time and I welcome any comments or feedback. :)

A Brand New Day

Good day and happy new year! It's been a while since I've checked in, but there was a necessary clearing out of the old, reassessing, and rebuilding the new that needed to happen.

I experienced a bit of a dark time- a dark night of the soul that stretched across a few days at least... and am happy to say, that as usual, I have reemerged with more clarity, strength and connection to all of life. Of course I'm still mending a bit from it all, including the whirlwind of a trip the past two years have been, so I'm treating myself gently, reminding myself of the love and support from the universe that surrounds me, and walking one step at a time towards a truer, freer and more fully realized me.

I have alot more to write about and share, but for now this is a starting point. I hope you all are well and happy out there!