Wants and needs

I need something, many things, and I'm not sure what they are. Most of all it's just a feeling of needing something. Needing something to take away what I'm experiencing. I've found I need this blog simply to vent and express. Yesterday we went for a road trip with Zeppelin and Petunia- a very short trip just hoping she felt good enough to go, and hoping to get one more trip in, since I love to travel with her. It wasn't that great- I was very nervous and worried about her and how she was feeling, didn't want to get her far away from home is she wasn't feeling well. We ended up taking a detour and not going to the lake we were going to go to, just to save some distance. We stopped at a park once we got back to Asheville, one she really likes to go to and smell all of the other dog smells there, and she liked it. She walked slowly and at times seemed a little aloof. Happy but aloof. Petunia is slowing down also.
I'm just trying to manage my emotions and I'm ok and I'm not ok. I'm very weepy and not feeling well. I don't feel happy or motivated. I was feeling so much better a week+ ago..... finally feeling better. Now I feel like I've taken a dive back into the pool of grief and changes. I feel ok, but also depressed, sad, angry, irritable, impatient, bored, aggravated, bothered, lost and confused. I know right now I need some prayer time to myself to work through some emotions. Last night I woke up with nightmares that were not only dreams but waking life nightmares. The euthenasia of Joey still haunts me and it was back last night and I was worried about Zeppelin and having to put her down also. I'm praying she will journey on with ease in a natural way.
She is actually feeling better today- I have only given her the anti-inflammatory today and no additional pain meds and she's feeling good. Wow. I thought we were on a downhill slide since she was in bad pain for almost a week. Today I gave her a light bath. I really wanted her to be a little cleaner since she was getting a little funky. Her hair is really thinning and I was very gentle with her, really just bathing the top of her. I don't want to lose her and the end of her life is nearing. It is natural and it is expected. I still don't want to lose her. The blessing of having the time ahead of it to be with her. The curse of dragging it out and waiting, not knowing when or how or what. I was thinking of moving, but all plans are now put on hold. She is in no condition to move. Unless there is a miracle, we will spend the rest of her days here. She feels safe and comfortable here. I want to take her with me. I don't want her not to be here when we move. It is all so bittersweet. I hope I can handle it when she goes. I have always hoped and prayed that I would have someone in my life when she goes. I can see now that it is almost better than I don't have someone. She is my everything and my every focus. He would have to be in the shadows, like a patient angel. I want the support and love and someone to cuddle with and hug and someone to get me dinner, etc. but I am also grateful to have all of this time to myself with her. Who knows what the rest of the world is doing. I am with her. I go to work, I go to the store, I do what is needed, and I am with her. And I will be until she goes on.