In the midst...

What a strange experience this is. I'm dealing with this all as well as I can. It has been an emotionally draining day. I started processing my feelings after our last vet visit. It's amazing the ways I've tried to deny this and escape it. It is happening, and it is natural- even in the midst of dealing with it, I still try to deny it because I just can't deal with it all at once. I just can't feel it all. At first I thought if I could just grab her and leave we could leave this all behind and escape it. I actually had that reaction. Crazy! Of course I never thought that was actually possible. It was just my mind and emotion's way of trying to get away from it. It is hardest to realize that she is not getting better. That she will not start feeling better and be back to normal. I of course still hold hope that she will, but the chances are that she will continue to feel worse. I can barely even type that or think about it. It is a terrible terrible thing to even think of. I just don't want her to be sick. I don't want her to hurt. I don't want her uncomfortable. I want her to have fun, feel good, and enjoy herself. I want her to be as good as new and I want her to be with me. I don't want to lose her. I don't want to be without her. Of course I know life happens and I've known and have been preparing for her journey on for many years. But it still doesn't help when you're in the middle of it. My life is going to completely change. My life has completely changed. She is my focus now. And gladly, she is. When I go to work, I can't wait for my lunch break, and to be off work, so I can go home and see her and be with her. I have the weekend off and I can't wait to spend it with her. I wake up and wonder how she is. I love making her happy. I wish we could do all of the things she loves. Today I was talking to her and thanking her for being in my life, and reminiscing about all of our times together. I was talking about when I first saw her. I was remembering when she was young. When she was middle aged. How much I've learned now to be in the moment, to appreciate and to take the time to love..... how I wish I'd known that then. I always have loved her with all of me... but of course now knowing my time is limited, I wish I could have anything more I might have had before. Again, just a reaction of this experience.
The vet suggested I start documenting her progress so I have a record of it, since it can be hard to see gradual changes when you're so close to it. I've been doing that and it is interesting to see. I will be interested to see how this weekend goes. I am off of work, and am really looking forward to spending it with her. I need to build some ramps from the porch stairs to the backyard- she is having trouble walking down the stairs. I'm hoping to take a short road trip. One of my favorite things with her is taking a road trip- traveling with her. If she is feeling up to it, maybe we'll take a short trip to somewhere nearby, maybe a nice lake where she can swim. We'll see how she's feeling in the morning.
Ok that's all I can write tonight, I'm exhausted. Will write more tomorrow. Goodnight....