So much to say.....

There is so much to say, and so little time. At least for the moment. I've not reached the time to be able to sit and write and get all of the thoughts out that I want to. My work schedule is all over the place and it is very tiring and throws me off balance... not that anything else in my life is also rocking the boat ;)

I'm working through my feelings about the news of Zeppelin's cancer. I'm trying to come up with a plan for our future... from the next few months until the next year. I'm getting the feeling it will be sooner rather than later, but I don't know. I hope she's happy and comfortable for a long time. I still can't even imagine her being gone, and I just hope and pray that she doesn't get too uncomfortable. It would be ideal if she just journeyed on in her sleep on day or night. I need to move out of my place, and am considering changing locations. Right now it's simply a matter of housing and income. I need to be living in a place that I can afford and that is also comfortable and peaceful for Zeppelin. I don't want to add any stress to her life. I don't want the move to be stressful, and she needs to be in good condition for us to move, so it needs to be done sooner rather than later, and ASAP. I'm just hoping it all works out and I can pull it all together.

So this experience with Zep has been teaching me alot so far. I'm only beginning to learn what it has to teach me. I am learning to be more present, to give love and share love all the time. To tell those I love that I love them. To do enjoyable things. So do things that bring pleasure. It's all about giving Zep a high quality life that she enjoys and is happy in. I've also been including Petunia in this, since she is 14 also and who knows what her life expectancy will be. Then it makes me think about anything and anyone, at any time! Why just now that it's at the end? We never know when life is going to end.... I'm just lucky (and cursed) by knowing, somewhat, that it will be ending soon. I have always tried to give my animals the best life possible. That has always been the most important thing to me. Zeppelin has been my friend, my family, my love, my life for 14 yrs. You don't think about that when you bring home a puppy. I've had other animals, but I've never had a relationship like the one I've had with her, and I'm so thankful for it. Now, that we're nearing the end, I look back and see such an amazing experience. I don't know what life will be like without her. I don't remember what it was like before having her around. I have known for a long time that I wouldn't be able to have a child until she was gone. I knew I'd have to wait for her. And it's not like I've been ready to have a child- I don't date and rarely meet someone I'd be interested in seeing. The few relationships I've had have been longer term and have been intense, in a way. I hope I can find someone to share my life with. I feel like I've been waiting for him. Part of me doesn't think I'll really ever find someone. I'm so weird and different and particular.... and I need a particular type of person, and there just aren't alot of people I'd even be able to be with, just for a lack of living in the same world. But, I've been very sad and lonely for a long while now, and would love to have a family. I will and have always made my own family. I am looking forward to being closer to family. I don't know how I'm going to get through Zep's passing. When Joey journeyed on in January, it was very very difficult for me. I really needed someone and I didn't have anyone. I just prayed and prayed that I would have someone with me when Zep passed. Now I'm worried, and pretty sure, that I won't have anyone in my life. But maybe I can get some love and support from friends and family. I know it's going to be rough and I can't even really think about it yet. I just hope I can have someone around to hug.

As far as Zep goes, she's been feeling pretty well, although today we went on a walk and she really seemed to tire towards the end. We weren't gone very long, and it was warm and sunny out. I thought she might fall down on the way back to the house. I was worried about her. But she made it ok. I'm wondering if the warm day was too hot and it was hard for her to breathe. We may need to start taking walks in the mornings and evenings, and not mid-afternoon. They've been getting chicken with their dogfood, and extra treats. My mom and dad sent her a stuffed bunny :) She got some new tennis balls. We've been playing a little every now and then. Just not too much running to affect her breathing too much. She's sleeping now. She seems to be sleeping a little more. She's startling more and not hearing or noticing things. She's been letting me love on her alot more, and I've been loving on her as much as possible, without smothering her. We're taking it one day at a time, but really much less than than. I'm grateful to live close to my work, so I can come home at lunch and check on her. I'm really hoping I can make a move soon enough and get to a nice place for her to settle in to. I'm hoping we don't have to stay here through the summer. We will if we have to, but we'll see how it goes.

Well, I wrote more than I thought I would.... but there is more to write on. Of course now I know that this blog is simply for my self expression and self therapy.... just to be able to let these thoughts out. If anyone reads this, I hope you are well. Sending my love :)

as the day turns to night...

There is alot I'd like to write about, but of course my time to write is when I'm on my way to bed and loosing all focus. If I could just write this while I'm standing there at work thinking about what I'd write if I could. As far as Zeppelin goes, we were able to get in to the vet this afternoon and he gave me all of the necessary information, which wasn't alot, but still I needed to hear it and talk to someone. He said she looks great, but the cancer is in an advanced stage, and he's guessing 6 months, and up to a year. Who knows how it will go, anything could happen. She could have a slow and gradual decline, or she could be fine and then have a rapid decline. The tumors are growing in her lungs and reducing her air to breathe, so obviously increased breathing and respiratory problems will be expected. She has a cough, but doesn't cough alot now. She loves to run and play, especially exploring natural areas, so we've been doing that, but keeping it light. She adores playing ball, but we've been keeping that to a minimum because she tires quickly. I will keep playing ball with her because she loves that more than almost anything. I will also be giving her more foods that she likes, because she loves that too. She loves to lay in the sun, she loves to roll in the grass. She loves to go for a walk in the woods, and she loves to go for a ride. So, we will be doing lots of what she loves. The vet said it's all about her quality of life, which is so true. I've always tried my hardest to give her the best life possible, and I will continue that as much as I possibly can. The vet said it's good that her time will be in the summer because her arthritis will be much better. Zeppelin is tough. I have a feeling she will hang in there as much as she can. So, we're just going to take it as it comes, day by day, moment by moment. I love her more than I could say. She has been my best friend, my love, my baby, my world, my family, my home. I don't know what life is like without her. We've been in an close relationship for 14 years. She loves me too. I am starting to feel a little bit hopeful, not so scared, and not so much in denial. I know it's going to be tough and I don't want it to be like it is, but I'm going to give her all I have.

I've been thinking about expectations lately. What we expect from others..... I will write more about this next time.

I'm too tired and all of my thoughts are fading. I've had little sleep lately and being up for work at 4am is something completely unnatural to me. 8pm is not really that early when I get up at 4am. And, it's not even dark yet....there is so much to think about.... and ...........

one step at a time...

Well, how and where do I start. Friday I took my beautiful dog Zeppelin to the vet to get some xrays done of her lungs. She had a cancerous mammory tumor removed a year ago, and the vet wondered if the cancer had spread to her lungs, due to a cough and a limp. A vet was able to go over the xrays with me, since my vet wasn't able to see me until Monday evening. The cancer has spread to her lungs, and in the vet's words, it is "advanced". There are several large tumors, and several smaller tumors in the lungs. This is not good. It will be fatal and there is usually not a large survival time. I am waiting to write about any more details until I talk to my vet tomorrow evening. I am feeling many things- shock, numb, sad, afraid, worried, angry, etc. etc. Part of me feels like I'm walking around numb, and sad. Another part of me is hopefully and looking forward to every moment more than I have with her. Zeppelin is feeling ok- very happy at times, and seemingly stiff and just not moving quite as easy at others. I've been working of doing lots of things that she loves, we've been taking more walks in her favorite places (along the river, parks with lots of doggie smells, etc. etc.) without getting her too overworked. She's gotten new treats and new tennis balls, her favorite :). Today she got a bath. I said hey- just because you have cancer doesn't mean you get out of having a bath! You're filthy! :)

So, I have lots more to share, and I think this place is going to be good for me, to be able to vent, share, etc. So thanks to anyone who takes the time to read and "listen". We're both in need of support, so please feel free to send any love way. We love you too. :)

this blog is in the midst of a complete change of direction.

the Times they are a Changin'....

I'm making a change with this blog. There is a point to it. I'm exploring a new area where I live, and I'm going to write about those experiences. I'm exploring a new area, new towns, and doing new things. I will share what I find in hopes maybe others can benefit from it, or at least find a little entertainment out of it.

So, last weekend my friend Andrew came for a visit and we took a drive along the Blueridge Parkway. We started near Weaverville, NC and headed north/east. It is a beautiful drive with amazing vistas (as they call them) and views of the mountains and valleys. We stopped at Craggy Gardens and hiked up the mountain (not a long hike). The trail was beautiful with these amazing trees that looked like they and the forest were out of a movie. The feeling that elves and gnomes and fairies were about to peek out at any moment was prevalent. I'm sure they were there anyways. It was just that type of a place. The view from the top was amazing. I was more impressed with it than I thought I'd be. We continued on for a while and got off at the Spruce Pine exit. There at the museum/rest stop we met a father and son, Andy and Zach who were ending their first day of a motorcycle trip from Virginia Beach to California. They recommended their friends' new restaurant in Spruce Pine called the Knife and Fork. We decided to head there and have a glass of wine since we weren't really ready for dinner yet. From the outside, we thought the restaurant looked a little uninviting... maybe a bit uncomfortable. But, we went on in to try it out. Once we got inside the feel was very different. It was comfortable and inviting, and the people were really nice. We ordered a bottle of their cheapest wine (lol) and were served an excellent wine called Notro. It was a red wine, with a little lighter body, and complex flavor (wow, I'm a wine critic..). I really liked it. I can't wait to go back and have dinner there one night... it's a great and valuable addition to the area, and especially for Spruce Pine. I'm going to recommend it whenever I can!

Today I went to the little old river town of Marshall, NC. It's a few miles down the river from my house. I went to the coffee shop to work on some business and wwas greeted by a spontaneous gathering of bluegrass-like, old-time young musicians. What gorgeous music, and what talent. There are people of all types here, good food and good coffee. It makes me think maybe I would like to live in a tiny old town. (I found out the band playing was Spring Creek from Colorado... look for their website on the "Links" box...)

My poor long lost blog. Silly little thing. I really don't even know why I have you at this point. You were very helpful when I was travelling, but now... you just seem kind of strange. So, I may be letting you go. :)

All is well here for anyone who reads this! I've been feeling a little funky over the past week, but I think that's due to lots of pollen in the air, lots going on in the cosmos, the continued job hunt, etc. I finally got a part time job and I start later this week. Still on the hunt for another part time job. Still trying to work with dogs during this last six months of school. Spring is here, the flowers are blooming. The vegetable garden is planted with some more plants started the other day. I guess I feel a little funny because where I live feels temporary. I wish it were more permanent, at least I wish it didn't feel so temporary. I went ahead and planted a garden, which I really wanted to do. But it wasn't well planned out or prepared for since I didn't know if I'd even be in this place for the full season. With as much moving around as I've done, there's nothing I hate more than starting a garden and having to leave it in the middle of the season. So, I'm excited to see how it goes. I'd really like to get a few chickens, but I'm not sure I have enough room or a good enough situation for them. I think I probably do, I just don't know if it's what is best right now.

I've really been slacking on my "one new thing every week" deal..... yikes... I think I need to make up for the past two weeks. Maybe I can do that this weekend :)

And...

Well, well well.... it's been nearly a month since my last post. I sure haven't been here much lately. I think I'm at a point where I can be a little more... there was quite an adjustment after coming home from Los Angeles. I'm not sure if I wrote this in an earlier post or not, but part of why I was avoiding writing here is because I was offered a job at the school in L.A., and I was working through my decision on that. I usually keep things to myself until I know for myself what I want inside of me. It's too easy to get influenced by others' opinions. Now, I did tell a few of those closest to me, and who I was able to talk to, about it. So, when I was there in L.A. I decided I would take the job, as I needed to make a decision. Then by the end of school I was having hesitations, and then once I got home it became quickly very clear that it was best for me to stay here where I am in NC for the time being. I know it was a great opportunity, but it didn't feel right. There were many reasons, and I'm really happy with the decision I made. Now it's on to finding a job for the meantime while I practice working with dogs. I think I'll stay here in my little trailer in the country probably until the fall... then we'll see.

Spring is here and it came immediatley... it went from winter to HOT! Crazy. But now it's evening out and so nice to see the changes... the birds are singing, plants are starting to grow, trees are starting to leaf out, it's warm (halleloujah) and much more enjoyable.

The dogs are doing well... Zeppelin has started to look a little older in the past week or so. There is just an old look in her eyes. She is generally as happy as she usually is, with a few grumpier times. She's a little stiffer and the hair around her nose has turned whiter. I love her. Petunia has lost some weight (thank goodness, and thanks so half diet food and a regulated amount). She's been much more expressive (talkative) and excited lately- I think the weight loss is helping her to feel better. Schmug is up for a new name... any suggestions? He's growing a little bigger, filling out a little, learning manners and how to bring his excitement down a little when he gets real worked up. He loves the horses in the pasture. He stares at them out the window all day. The cats are doing well, the kittens are growing up and Iz is outside most of the time now that it's warmer except for naps inside (they all are).

I'm so excited that the ceremony season is here and there are times to be together with community... Rainbow Eagle is coming this weekend for teachings, at the Garden and he's to speak and give the opening ceremony at the Coptic Conference. Spring Ceremony is next month. :)

Well, not too interesting, but that's what I've got to write today... I'll write again with more of other subjects....

I hope you all are well out there.... :)