So much to say.....

There is so much to say, and so little time. At least for the moment. I've not reached the time to be able to sit and write and get all of the thoughts out that I want to. My work schedule is all over the place and it is very tiring and throws me off balance... not that anything else in my life is also rocking the boat ;)

I'm working through my feelings about the news of Zeppelin's cancer. I'm trying to come up with a plan for our future... from the next few months until the next year. I'm getting the feeling it will be sooner rather than later, but I don't know. I hope she's happy and comfortable for a long time. I still can't even imagine her being gone, and I just hope and pray that she doesn't get too uncomfortable. It would be ideal if she just journeyed on in her sleep on day or night. I need to move out of my place, and am considering changing locations. Right now it's simply a matter of housing and income. I need to be living in a place that I can afford and that is also comfortable and peaceful for Zeppelin. I don't want to add any stress to her life. I don't want the move to be stressful, and she needs to be in good condition for us to move, so it needs to be done sooner rather than later, and ASAP. I'm just hoping it all works out and I can pull it all together.

So this experience with Zep has been teaching me alot so far. I'm only beginning to learn what it has to teach me. I am learning to be more present, to give love and share love all the time. To tell those I love that I love them. To do enjoyable things. So do things that bring pleasure. It's all about giving Zep a high quality life that she enjoys and is happy in. I've also been including Petunia in this, since she is 14 also and who knows what her life expectancy will be. Then it makes me think about anything and anyone, at any time! Why just now that it's at the end? We never know when life is going to end.... I'm just lucky (and cursed) by knowing, somewhat, that it will be ending soon. I have always tried to give my animals the best life possible. That has always been the most important thing to me. Zeppelin has been my friend, my family, my love, my life for 14 yrs. You don't think about that when you bring home a puppy. I've had other animals, but I've never had a relationship like the one I've had with her, and I'm so thankful for it. Now, that we're nearing the end, I look back and see such an amazing experience. I don't know what life will be like without her. I don't remember what it was like before having her around. I have known for a long time that I wouldn't be able to have a child until she was gone. I knew I'd have to wait for her. And it's not like I've been ready to have a child- I don't date and rarely meet someone I'd be interested in seeing. The few relationships I've had have been longer term and have been intense, in a way. I hope I can find someone to share my life with. I feel like I've been waiting for him. Part of me doesn't think I'll really ever find someone. I'm so weird and different and particular.... and I need a particular type of person, and there just aren't alot of people I'd even be able to be with, just for a lack of living in the same world. But, I've been very sad and lonely for a long while now, and would love to have a family. I will and have always made my own family. I am looking forward to being closer to family. I don't know how I'm going to get through Zep's passing. When Joey journeyed on in January, it was very very difficult for me. I really needed someone and I didn't have anyone. I just prayed and prayed that I would have someone with me when Zep passed. Now I'm worried, and pretty sure, that I won't have anyone in my life. But maybe I can get some love and support from friends and family. I know it's going to be rough and I can't even really think about it yet. I just hope I can have someone around to hug.

As far as Zep goes, she's been feeling pretty well, although today we went on a walk and she really seemed to tire towards the end. We weren't gone very long, and it was warm and sunny out. I thought she might fall down on the way back to the house. I was worried about her. But she made it ok. I'm wondering if the warm day was too hot and it was hard for her to breathe. We may need to start taking walks in the mornings and evenings, and not mid-afternoon. They've been getting chicken with their dogfood, and extra treats. My mom and dad sent her a stuffed bunny :) She got some new tennis balls. We've been playing a little every now and then. Just not too much running to affect her breathing too much. She's sleeping now. She seems to be sleeping a little more. She's startling more and not hearing or noticing things. She's been letting me love on her alot more, and I've been loving on her as much as possible, without smothering her. We're taking it one day at a time, but really much less than than. I'm grateful to live close to my work, so I can come home at lunch and check on her. I'm really hoping I can make a move soon enough and get to a nice place for her to settle in to. I'm hoping we don't have to stay here through the summer. We will if we have to, but we'll see how it goes.

Well, I wrote more than I thought I would.... but there is more to write on. Of course now I know that this blog is simply for my self expression and self therapy.... just to be able to let these thoughts out. If anyone reads this, I hope you are well. Sending my love :)