Starting one step at a time...

Well where do I start. I really should be going to sleep now, but I feel I need to write a little to help me get through this process of things. Early Tuesday morning we put Zepplin down. It was time, we just helped her on her way. There is so much to say, I don't know where to start. I'm so glad I had so much time to prepare. I had the time to really grieve the loss of her while she was still alive. I'm glad because I would be a complete wreck if I didn't. Now I'm grieving her being gone from my life. It is more of a huge change in my life, than the loss of her. I miss her so much and I can't believe she is gone and I won't see her again. I have so many memories and so much love for her that it is ok. But for the past 14 yrs.+ I've been caring for her and spending my time with her. And now things are completely different. I'm so grateful for a wonderful man who has come into my life soon before her passing. It's like there was a shift. She was leaving and he came. I still hear her around- I hear noises and I'm used to hearing her- checking on her and making sure she is ok, she has what she needs, and she is happy. Although I have not had a child, she has been like my child in a way. I am content in knowing that it was her time to go, and I easily let her go. But I still miss her and I'm just adjusting to her not being here, and to letting go of that part of my life. Things are different and it will be good... I just have to feel what I'm feeling and go through the process of grief. I'm gotten angry, irritated, aggitated, sad, depressed, needy, insecure, and even lonely- even though for the first time I've felt not alone. Sometimes you don't feel things immediately. I felt numb at first and now it's starting to settle in. I'm so blessed for all I had with her, for her being in my life, and for all I have now and to come.

a very brief post for now, until i have some time to write. i've been spending some time with a special guy and my new friend, which has been a very nice change.... zep has been doing well but tonight she started sneezing blood and some tissue. her nose bled for a while. she sneezed the tissue twice. she seems happy and comfortable so i think everything is ok for the moment. we'll see how she is in the morning. but, this is a new change.

Well Zeppelin has been feeling much better. It's quite a rollercoaster and feels strange now that she's feeling well for so long, after she was feeling so bad. Don't get me wrong- I'm grateful that she's feeling well, but I just don't know what to expect. Not that you can ever (or should ever) expect anything in life.... it's just that expecting, anticipating the death of a loved one is not easy or fun. But, we're both doing much better with it all. I've realized over this past year that it is important to be patient with myself and with life. There are hard times. There are difficult times and challenges. They will pass, they will not last forever, but they may be around for a while. Things will be different at some point. It's ok if I don't feel well. It's ok if I'm tired. It's ok to not be feeling great because it takes all kinds of experiences to make up life. I am hoping that I will find lots of fun, easier and good feeling times at some point later. Zeppelin has been coughing much more today, which is something new. The suggestion of the vet to take daily notes on her condition has really helped- it helps me to see patterns over time. She was a little worse today, but not in pain, just coughing and looking like a little more was going on with her. We'll see how she is tomorrow.

This sounds like such gloom and doom! I was having a kind of rough day, just getting motivated.... then I had some personal prayer time. Then I takled to my sister- that really helped! Now to go to sleep.... must get up at 4am for work tomorrow... ugh.... sould have been in bed at 8pm, but that is just impossible!!! not looking forward to being tired tomorrow, again. gotta get a better work schedule.... I'm tired of being tired all the time..... then I get a few days off, get caught up, then get tired again cause my work hours are all flipped. Oh well, I'm grateful to have the job... and also looking forward to something a little more balanced in the future.

Wants and needs

I need something, many things, and I'm not sure what they are. Most of all it's just a feeling of needing something. Needing something to take away what I'm experiencing. I've found I need this blog simply to vent and express. Yesterday we went for a road trip with Zeppelin and Petunia- a very short trip just hoping she felt good enough to go, and hoping to get one more trip in, since I love to travel with her. It wasn't that great- I was very nervous and worried about her and how she was feeling, didn't want to get her far away from home is she wasn't feeling well. We ended up taking a detour and not going to the lake we were going to go to, just to save some distance. We stopped at a park once we got back to Asheville, one she really likes to go to and smell all of the other dog smells there, and she liked it. She walked slowly and at times seemed a little aloof. Happy but aloof. Petunia is slowing down also.
I'm just trying to manage my emotions and I'm ok and I'm not ok. I'm very weepy and not feeling well. I don't feel happy or motivated. I was feeling so much better a week+ ago..... finally feeling better. Now I feel like I've taken a dive back into the pool of grief and changes. I feel ok, but also depressed, sad, angry, irritable, impatient, bored, aggravated, bothered, lost and confused. I know right now I need some prayer time to myself to work through some emotions. Last night I woke up with nightmares that were not only dreams but waking life nightmares. The euthenasia of Joey still haunts me and it was back last night and I was worried about Zeppelin and having to put her down also. I'm praying she will journey on with ease in a natural way.
She is actually feeling better today- I have only given her the anti-inflammatory today and no additional pain meds and she's feeling good. Wow. I thought we were on a downhill slide since she was in bad pain for almost a week. Today I gave her a light bath. I really wanted her to be a little cleaner since she was getting a little funky. Her hair is really thinning and I was very gentle with her, really just bathing the top of her. I don't want to lose her and the end of her life is nearing. It is natural and it is expected. I still don't want to lose her. The blessing of having the time ahead of it to be with her. The curse of dragging it out and waiting, not knowing when or how or what. I was thinking of moving, but all plans are now put on hold. She is in no condition to move. Unless there is a miracle, we will spend the rest of her days here. She feels safe and comfortable here. I want to take her with me. I don't want her not to be here when we move. It is all so bittersweet. I hope I can handle it when she goes. I have always hoped and prayed that I would have someone in my life when she goes. I can see now that it is almost better than I don't have someone. She is my everything and my every focus. He would have to be in the shadows, like a patient angel. I want the support and love and someone to cuddle with and hug and someone to get me dinner, etc. but I am also grateful to have all of this time to myself with her. Who knows what the rest of the world is doing. I am with her. I go to work, I go to the store, I do what is needed, and I am with her. And I will be until she goes on.

In the midst...

What a strange experience this is. I'm dealing with this all as well as I can. It has been an emotionally draining day. I started processing my feelings after our last vet visit. It's amazing the ways I've tried to deny this and escape it. It is happening, and it is natural- even in the midst of dealing with it, I still try to deny it because I just can't deal with it all at once. I just can't feel it all. At first I thought if I could just grab her and leave we could leave this all behind and escape it. I actually had that reaction. Crazy! Of course I never thought that was actually possible. It was just my mind and emotion's way of trying to get away from it. It is hardest to realize that she is not getting better. That she will not start feeling better and be back to normal. I of course still hold hope that she will, but the chances are that she will continue to feel worse. I can barely even type that or think about it. It is a terrible terrible thing to even think of. I just don't want her to be sick. I don't want her to hurt. I don't want her uncomfortable. I want her to have fun, feel good, and enjoy herself. I want her to be as good as new and I want her to be with me. I don't want to lose her. I don't want to be without her. Of course I know life happens and I've known and have been preparing for her journey on for many years. But it still doesn't help when you're in the middle of it. My life is going to completely change. My life has completely changed. She is my focus now. And gladly, she is. When I go to work, I can't wait for my lunch break, and to be off work, so I can go home and see her and be with her. I have the weekend off and I can't wait to spend it with her. I wake up and wonder how she is. I love making her happy. I wish we could do all of the things she loves. Today I was talking to her and thanking her for being in my life, and reminiscing about all of our times together. I was talking about when I first saw her. I was remembering when she was young. When she was middle aged. How much I've learned now to be in the moment, to appreciate and to take the time to love..... how I wish I'd known that then. I always have loved her with all of me... but of course now knowing my time is limited, I wish I could have anything more I might have had before. Again, just a reaction of this experience.
The vet suggested I start documenting her progress so I have a record of it, since it can be hard to see gradual changes when you're so close to it. I've been doing that and it is interesting to see. I will be interested to see how this weekend goes. I am off of work, and am really looking forward to spending it with her. I need to build some ramps from the porch stairs to the backyard- she is having trouble walking down the stairs. I'm hoping to take a short road trip. One of my favorite things with her is taking a road trip- traveling with her. If she is feeling up to it, maybe we'll take a short trip to somewhere nearby, maybe a nice lake where she can swim. We'll see how she's feeling in the morning.
Ok that's all I can write tonight, I'm exhausted. Will write more tomorrow. Goodnight....

Thoughts.

well, finally ran today. it's been 10 days since I ran last. I've needed to run more than anything this week, but dealing with the grief of Zeppelin's diagnosis, I've been too depressed to, which is why I've needed to run! lol. and my work schedule, being the half of the month in which I work most days and don't get enough sleep because of flipping schedules, I've been worn out, tired, drained, emotionally and physically.

Zeppelin has been feeling really good today.... she hasn't coughed at all really, has been ALL about the balltime, all day, has been running around happy and energetic, jumped the fence while I went running, and is in the yard chewing on toys. it's SO nice to see her feeling so good. I love it. I hope it lasts.

I've come to the realization that Zeppelin has pretty much been my spouse for the past however many years. She has been my number one relationship, and any others would have to respect her and deal with her in my life. Dealing with the news of a terminal illness in a loved one is very difficult. It is a first for me, and I have so much more understanding (as much as I can now) for others who have gone through this crazy experience. For me it is as if I am loosing my spouse. I don't know what life will be like without her. I have easier days and rough days. Work keeps me having to deal with alot of other stuff, and I spend nearly all of my free time with her. I go home for lunch to check on her, come home after work to be with her. Sometimes I'd like to go to a coffee shop, or bar, or some place, and chill, but I'd rather be with her, than be somewhere else and not with her. I am feeling ok, and then very sad and distraught at times. I am ok, then I cry. I love her so very much. She is just amazing to me. I had a very very difficult day the other day, when trying to decide about moving now or later, when I realized I plan everything with her in my life. I realized that she won't be in my life at some point. There is a chance we won't be moving together. I still can't even really think about that all the way. That may be partly why I am so anxious to move right now- I want her to move with me. I can't stand the thought of starting new somewhere else and her not being with me.

goodnight stars....

so much to write, and.... it's time for bed. again.