Thoughts.

well, finally ran today. it's been 10 days since I ran last. I've needed to run more than anything this week, but dealing with the grief of Zeppelin's diagnosis, I've been too depressed to, which is why I've needed to run! lol. and my work schedule, being the half of the month in which I work most days and don't get enough sleep because of flipping schedules, I've been worn out, tired, drained, emotionally and physically.

Zeppelin has been feeling really good today.... she hasn't coughed at all really, has been ALL about the balltime, all day, has been running around happy and energetic, jumped the fence while I went running, and is in the yard chewing on toys. it's SO nice to see her feeling so good. I love it. I hope it lasts.

I've come to the realization that Zeppelin has pretty much been my spouse for the past however many years. She has been my number one relationship, and any others would have to respect her and deal with her in my life. Dealing with the news of a terminal illness in a loved one is very difficult. It is a first for me, and I have so much more understanding (as much as I can now) for others who have gone through this crazy experience. For me it is as if I am loosing my spouse. I don't know what life will be like without her. I have easier days and rough days. Work keeps me having to deal with alot of other stuff, and I spend nearly all of my free time with her. I go home for lunch to check on her, come home after work to be with her. Sometimes I'd like to go to a coffee shop, or bar, or some place, and chill, but I'd rather be with her, than be somewhere else and not with her. I am feeling ok, and then very sad and distraught at times. I am ok, then I cry. I love her so very much. She is just amazing to me. I had a very very difficult day the other day, when trying to decide about moving now or later, when I realized I plan everything with her in my life. I realized that she won't be in my life at some point. There is a chance we won't be moving together. I still can't even really think about that all the way. That may be partly why I am so anxious to move right now- I want her to move with me. I can't stand the thought of starting new somewhere else and her not being with me.