Hovering...

thinking about relationships..... as i said before, i have prayed and prayed that i would not be alone when Zeppelin journeys on. of course i know i'm never really alone... but i'm going to need someone. and however it happens will be ok. i made it through Joey's passing alone, but it was very very difficult. anyways, i've been thinking a little on relationships. i hear people talking about their relationships, and there are all different types, which i love. i love that a relationship can be anything you want it to be, it doesn't have to go by social stardards or stereotypes. i love things that are different and that have the freedom of the unconventional. i was watching the show Sister Wives earlier this evening. i love that show, and i love their family. i think mostly because it is a big family, and they live their lives how they want. then later i heard someone say "we fight and we make up, because that's what people do. and we've really got something here" (speaking of a great relationship, fighting and making up). it made me think- maybe that's more of what we should look for when looking for a relationship? someone to fight and make up with? hmm. i'm not looking for "a relationship". that's why i don't date. i'm looking for my family, my love. i'm looking for something, that for some reason- my self thinks i will recognize. like a missing piece to the puzzle. i've kind of been waiting and looking and waiting. that poses a problem in meeeting people, as i don't meet many, and rarely meet someone i'd be interested in truly dating. and wanting to share life with someone, and wanting to have a family- i don't know how it's all going to work out, but some part of me has faith that somehow it will.

but anyways. tonight was a really nice night for some porch time. as i sat there in the cool-warm night air, watching the moon, listening to the crickets and critters making their nightime noises, i was thinking of our plan for the future. and what i mean by future is the next 6-8 months. i think i have selfishly been wanting to move to texas to be closer to my family. i realized tonight that it is selfish. although Zep would love to move, i realized i have been thinking of our future together as it always has been- our future. her future may only be for a short time, and my future may be different than hers. so, i really need to think of what is best for her. what would she love the most. what would she feel the most comfortable and secure and peaceful and realaxed in. she would like moving. it would be a little stressful for her, especially if i made a point to make sure things were taken care of and her stress was kept to a minimum. but if she's going to be declining, then moving is not the best thing for her. she is happy here and feels comfortable here. i don't want to be here and feel all alone and lose her. i don't want to lose her and move away and feel like i've left her here. i want to take her with me to where i'm going next. so you see- it's selfish. so tomorrow we'll talk and see what she thinks. i just don't want to lose her. i can't lose her. i still can't even come to the full realization that she will be going, and probably sometime sooner rather than later. but at the same time i don't believe in the 'norm'- i believe in potential and i know, more than anything, that i don't know anything.

prayers for our journey. much love, and much appreciation for the space to ramble.