Starting one step at a time...

Well where do I start. I really should be going to sleep now, but I feel I need to write a little to help me get through this process of things. Early Tuesday morning we put Zepplin down. It was time, we just helped her on her way. There is so much to say, I don't know where to start. I'm so glad I had so much time to prepare. I had the time to really grieve the loss of her while she was still alive. I'm glad because I would be a complete wreck if I didn't. Now I'm grieving her being gone from my life. It is more of a huge change in my life, than the loss of her. I miss her so much and I can't believe she is gone and I won't see her again. I have so many memories and so much love for her that it is ok. But for the past 14 yrs.+ I've been caring for her and spending my time with her. And now things are completely different. I'm so grateful for a wonderful man who has come into my life soon before her passing. It's like there was a shift. She was leaving and he came. I still hear her around- I hear noises and I'm used to hearing her- checking on her and making sure she is ok, she has what she needs, and she is happy. Although I have not had a child, she has been like my child in a way. I am content in knowing that it was her time to go, and I easily let her go. But I still miss her and I'm just adjusting to her not being here, and to letting go of that part of my life. Things are different and it will be good... I just have to feel what I'm feeling and go through the process of grief. I'm gotten angry, irritated, aggitated, sad, depressed, needy, insecure, and even lonely- even though for the first time I've felt not alone. Sometimes you don't feel things immediately. I felt numb at first and now it's starting to settle in. I'm so blessed for all I had with her, for her being in my life, and for all I have now and to come.

a very brief post for now, until i have some time to write. i've been spending some time with a special guy and my new friend, which has been a very nice change.... zep has been doing well but tonight she started sneezing blood and some tissue. her nose bled for a while. she sneezed the tissue twice. she seems happy and comfortable so i think everything is ok for the moment. we'll see how she is in the morning. but, this is a new change.

Well Zeppelin has been feeling much better. It's quite a rollercoaster and feels strange now that she's feeling well for so long, after she was feeling so bad. Don't get me wrong- I'm grateful that she's feeling well, but I just don't know what to expect. Not that you can ever (or should ever) expect anything in life.... it's just that expecting, anticipating the death of a loved one is not easy or fun. But, we're both doing much better with it all. I've realized over this past year that it is important to be patient with myself and with life. There are hard times. There are difficult times and challenges. They will pass, they will not last forever, but they may be around for a while. Things will be different at some point. It's ok if I don't feel well. It's ok if I'm tired. It's ok to not be feeling great because it takes all kinds of experiences to make up life. I am hoping that I will find lots of fun, easier and good feeling times at some point later. Zeppelin has been coughing much more today, which is something new. The suggestion of the vet to take daily notes on her condition has really helped- it helps me to see patterns over time. She was a little worse today, but not in pain, just coughing and looking like a little more was going on with her. We'll see how she is tomorrow.

This sounds like such gloom and doom! I was having a kind of rough day, just getting motivated.... then I had some personal prayer time. Then I takled to my sister- that really helped! Now to go to sleep.... must get up at 4am for work tomorrow... ugh.... sould have been in bed at 8pm, but that is just impossible!!! not looking forward to being tired tomorrow, again. gotta get a better work schedule.... I'm tired of being tired all the time..... then I get a few days off, get caught up, then get tired again cause my work hours are all flipped. Oh well, I'm grateful to have the job... and also looking forward to something a little more balanced in the future.

Wants and needs

I need something, many things, and I'm not sure what they are. Most of all it's just a feeling of needing something. Needing something to take away what I'm experiencing. I've found I need this blog simply to vent and express. Yesterday we went for a road trip with Zeppelin and Petunia- a very short trip just hoping she felt good enough to go, and hoping to get one more trip in, since I love to travel with her. It wasn't that great- I was very nervous and worried about her and how she was feeling, didn't want to get her far away from home is she wasn't feeling well. We ended up taking a detour and not going to the lake we were going to go to, just to save some distance. We stopped at a park once we got back to Asheville, one she really likes to go to and smell all of the other dog smells there, and she liked it. She walked slowly and at times seemed a little aloof. Happy but aloof. Petunia is slowing down also.
I'm just trying to manage my emotions and I'm ok and I'm not ok. I'm very weepy and not feeling well. I don't feel happy or motivated. I was feeling so much better a week+ ago..... finally feeling better. Now I feel like I've taken a dive back into the pool of grief and changes. I feel ok, but also depressed, sad, angry, irritable, impatient, bored, aggravated, bothered, lost and confused. I know right now I need some prayer time to myself to work through some emotions. Last night I woke up with nightmares that were not only dreams but waking life nightmares. The euthenasia of Joey still haunts me and it was back last night and I was worried about Zeppelin and having to put her down also. I'm praying she will journey on with ease in a natural way.
She is actually feeling better today- I have only given her the anti-inflammatory today and no additional pain meds and she's feeling good. Wow. I thought we were on a downhill slide since she was in bad pain for almost a week. Today I gave her a light bath. I really wanted her to be a little cleaner since she was getting a little funky. Her hair is really thinning and I was very gentle with her, really just bathing the top of her. I don't want to lose her and the end of her life is nearing. It is natural and it is expected. I still don't want to lose her. The blessing of having the time ahead of it to be with her. The curse of dragging it out and waiting, not knowing when or how or what. I was thinking of moving, but all plans are now put on hold. She is in no condition to move. Unless there is a miracle, we will spend the rest of her days here. She feels safe and comfortable here. I want to take her with me. I don't want her not to be here when we move. It is all so bittersweet. I hope I can handle it when she goes. I have always hoped and prayed that I would have someone in my life when she goes. I can see now that it is almost better than I don't have someone. She is my everything and my every focus. He would have to be in the shadows, like a patient angel. I want the support and love and someone to cuddle with and hug and someone to get me dinner, etc. but I am also grateful to have all of this time to myself with her. Who knows what the rest of the world is doing. I am with her. I go to work, I go to the store, I do what is needed, and I am with her. And I will be until she goes on.

In the midst...

What a strange experience this is. I'm dealing with this all as well as I can. It has been an emotionally draining day. I started processing my feelings after our last vet visit. It's amazing the ways I've tried to deny this and escape it. It is happening, and it is natural- even in the midst of dealing with it, I still try to deny it because I just can't deal with it all at once. I just can't feel it all. At first I thought if I could just grab her and leave we could leave this all behind and escape it. I actually had that reaction. Crazy! Of course I never thought that was actually possible. It was just my mind and emotion's way of trying to get away from it. It is hardest to realize that she is not getting better. That she will not start feeling better and be back to normal. I of course still hold hope that she will, but the chances are that she will continue to feel worse. I can barely even type that or think about it. It is a terrible terrible thing to even think of. I just don't want her to be sick. I don't want her to hurt. I don't want her uncomfortable. I want her to have fun, feel good, and enjoy herself. I want her to be as good as new and I want her to be with me. I don't want to lose her. I don't want to be without her. Of course I know life happens and I've known and have been preparing for her journey on for many years. But it still doesn't help when you're in the middle of it. My life is going to completely change. My life has completely changed. She is my focus now. And gladly, she is. When I go to work, I can't wait for my lunch break, and to be off work, so I can go home and see her and be with her. I have the weekend off and I can't wait to spend it with her. I wake up and wonder how she is. I love making her happy. I wish we could do all of the things she loves. Today I was talking to her and thanking her for being in my life, and reminiscing about all of our times together. I was talking about when I first saw her. I was remembering when she was young. When she was middle aged. How much I've learned now to be in the moment, to appreciate and to take the time to love..... how I wish I'd known that then. I always have loved her with all of me... but of course now knowing my time is limited, I wish I could have anything more I might have had before. Again, just a reaction of this experience.
The vet suggested I start documenting her progress so I have a record of it, since it can be hard to see gradual changes when you're so close to it. I've been doing that and it is interesting to see. I will be interested to see how this weekend goes. I am off of work, and am really looking forward to spending it with her. I need to build some ramps from the porch stairs to the backyard- she is having trouble walking down the stairs. I'm hoping to take a short road trip. One of my favorite things with her is taking a road trip- traveling with her. If she is feeling up to it, maybe we'll take a short trip to somewhere nearby, maybe a nice lake where she can swim. We'll see how she's feeling in the morning.
Ok that's all I can write tonight, I'm exhausted. Will write more tomorrow. Goodnight....

Thoughts.

well, finally ran today. it's been 10 days since I ran last. I've needed to run more than anything this week, but dealing with the grief of Zeppelin's diagnosis, I've been too depressed to, which is why I've needed to run! lol. and my work schedule, being the half of the month in which I work most days and don't get enough sleep because of flipping schedules, I've been worn out, tired, drained, emotionally and physically.

Zeppelin has been feeling really good today.... she hasn't coughed at all really, has been ALL about the balltime, all day, has been running around happy and energetic, jumped the fence while I went running, and is in the yard chewing on toys. it's SO nice to see her feeling so good. I love it. I hope it lasts.

I've come to the realization that Zeppelin has pretty much been my spouse for the past however many years. She has been my number one relationship, and any others would have to respect her and deal with her in my life. Dealing with the news of a terminal illness in a loved one is very difficult. It is a first for me, and I have so much more understanding (as much as I can now) for others who have gone through this crazy experience. For me it is as if I am loosing my spouse. I don't know what life will be like without her. I have easier days and rough days. Work keeps me having to deal with alot of other stuff, and I spend nearly all of my free time with her. I go home for lunch to check on her, come home after work to be with her. Sometimes I'd like to go to a coffee shop, or bar, or some place, and chill, but I'd rather be with her, than be somewhere else and not with her. I am feeling ok, and then very sad and distraught at times. I am ok, then I cry. I love her so very much. She is just amazing to me. I had a very very difficult day the other day, when trying to decide about moving now or later, when I realized I plan everything with her in my life. I realized that she won't be in my life at some point. There is a chance we won't be moving together. I still can't even really think about that all the way. That may be partly why I am so anxious to move right now- I want her to move with me. I can't stand the thought of starting new somewhere else and her not being with me.

goodnight stars....

so much to write, and.... it's time for bed. again.

Z Day

A friend in need is a friend indeed. I'm still not sure that I understand this quote- does it mean a friend shows up in times of need? Or that a needy friend is a friend? lol. Anyways, I have found rescently that true friends are the ones who show up when you are in need of one. Real friends really care about you, and they express that to you. You know they care because you feel cared for. I have had too much going on lately that leads me to cutting out the clutter of anything else but real friends. I just can't hang with the drama of anything else right now. And for those people who have shown up for me, I am so grateful. Being physically alone in times of need and saddness can be very trying. I'm find with being alone normally. At times, when there is struggle, I wish there was someone around to lean on. All of my friends and family live far from me, so the words of love and care and support mean the world to me.

Some day I'm going to do fun and enjoyable things, with other people. It's gonna be good. It's good now, I just look forward to the days of friends, family and fun. I see friends and family now and have fun, but it only happens about every couple of months or longer.

Zeppelin and Petunia and I are going out to have a "Z Day"... doing lots of things that Zep loves. We're all ready for it. I've worked the past 7 days, today am off, then work a few more days until another day off. It's not much, but we have to make the most of it. We're heading to the river for a walk and a swim. Then to get some treats, I'll run a few errands, then maybe another stop somewhere that she likes. Then home, then something special for dinner- last night I cooked them steak, so we'll see what's for tonight. And a nap- she'll nap but I have too much to do today. I'm enjoying every moment with her, and taking lots of pictures (more than usual). She seems to be feeling pretty well. I'm worried about the heat of the summer coming, and if we stay here I'll have to buy another air conditioner to keep it cool inside. So.... we'll see................

Hovering...

thinking about relationships..... as i said before, i have prayed and prayed that i would not be alone when Zeppelin journeys on. of course i know i'm never really alone... but i'm going to need someone. and however it happens will be ok. i made it through Joey's passing alone, but it was very very difficult. anyways, i've been thinking a little on relationships. i hear people talking about their relationships, and there are all different types, which i love. i love that a relationship can be anything you want it to be, it doesn't have to go by social stardards or stereotypes. i love things that are different and that have the freedom of the unconventional. i was watching the show Sister Wives earlier this evening. i love that show, and i love their family. i think mostly because it is a big family, and they live their lives how they want. then later i heard someone say "we fight and we make up, because that's what people do. and we've really got something here" (speaking of a great relationship, fighting and making up). it made me think- maybe that's more of what we should look for when looking for a relationship? someone to fight and make up with? hmm. i'm not looking for "a relationship". that's why i don't date. i'm looking for my family, my love. i'm looking for something, that for some reason- my self thinks i will recognize. like a missing piece to the puzzle. i've kind of been waiting and looking and waiting. that poses a problem in meeeting people, as i don't meet many, and rarely meet someone i'd be interested in truly dating. and wanting to share life with someone, and wanting to have a family- i don't know how it's all going to work out, but some part of me has faith that somehow it will.

but anyways. tonight was a really nice night for some porch time. as i sat there in the cool-warm night air, watching the moon, listening to the crickets and critters making their nightime noises, i was thinking of our plan for the future. and what i mean by future is the next 6-8 months. i think i have selfishly been wanting to move to texas to be closer to my family. i realized tonight that it is selfish. although Zep would love to move, i realized i have been thinking of our future together as it always has been- our future. her future may only be for a short time, and my future may be different than hers. so, i really need to think of what is best for her. what would she love the most. what would she feel the most comfortable and secure and peaceful and realaxed in. she would like moving. it would be a little stressful for her, especially if i made a point to make sure things were taken care of and her stress was kept to a minimum. but if she's going to be declining, then moving is not the best thing for her. she is happy here and feels comfortable here. i don't want to be here and feel all alone and lose her. i don't want to lose her and move away and feel like i've left her here. i want to take her with me to where i'm going next. so you see- it's selfish. so tomorrow we'll talk and see what she thinks. i just don't want to lose her. i can't lose her. i still can't even come to the full realization that she will be going, and probably sometime sooner rather than later. but at the same time i don't believe in the 'norm'- i believe in potential and i know, more than anything, that i don't know anything.

prayers for our journey. much love, and much appreciation for the space to ramble.

Stormy day...

Today was a different day. It was pretty rough, emotionally. I worked the late shift, and before I went to work we had a pretty intense thunder storm. Zeppelin, although having a good day, was more scared and anxious than normal during this storm. I stayed with her until it had passed, thankfully in time for me to go to work. But after I got to work, there were several more storms that came through. They were intense and I was really worried about her. Of course I know I'm probably over-protective of her, and now I'm even more protective. I don't want her to get stressed and be by herself when I could be there to help her. I knew it was just a storm, she'd be scared, and then be ok, but I still was very worried and felt trapped not being able to leave work to be with her. I went home during my lunch break to check on them (everyone was scared during the storm, by the way, not just Zep), and they were fine. It just made me think about the future and if she starts going downhill, I want to be able to be with her. I hate having to leave her. So, in the end the day was ok, but it did help me to look at things from another point of view.

So much to say.....

There is so much to say, and so little time. At least for the moment. I've not reached the time to be able to sit and write and get all of the thoughts out that I want to. My work schedule is all over the place and it is very tiring and throws me off balance... not that anything else in my life is also rocking the boat ;)

I'm working through my feelings about the news of Zeppelin's cancer. I'm trying to come up with a plan for our future... from the next few months until the next year. I'm getting the feeling it will be sooner rather than later, but I don't know. I hope she's happy and comfortable for a long time. I still can't even imagine her being gone, and I just hope and pray that she doesn't get too uncomfortable. It would be ideal if she just journeyed on in her sleep on day or night. I need to move out of my place, and am considering changing locations. Right now it's simply a matter of housing and income. I need to be living in a place that I can afford and that is also comfortable and peaceful for Zeppelin. I don't want to add any stress to her life. I don't want the move to be stressful, and she needs to be in good condition for us to move, so it needs to be done sooner rather than later, and ASAP. I'm just hoping it all works out and I can pull it all together.

So this experience with Zep has been teaching me alot so far. I'm only beginning to learn what it has to teach me. I am learning to be more present, to give love and share love all the time. To tell those I love that I love them. To do enjoyable things. So do things that bring pleasure. It's all about giving Zep a high quality life that she enjoys and is happy in. I've also been including Petunia in this, since she is 14 also and who knows what her life expectancy will be. Then it makes me think about anything and anyone, at any time! Why just now that it's at the end? We never know when life is going to end.... I'm just lucky (and cursed) by knowing, somewhat, that it will be ending soon. I have always tried to give my animals the best life possible. That has always been the most important thing to me. Zeppelin has been my friend, my family, my love, my life for 14 yrs. You don't think about that when you bring home a puppy. I've had other animals, but I've never had a relationship like the one I've had with her, and I'm so thankful for it. Now, that we're nearing the end, I look back and see such an amazing experience. I don't know what life will be like without her. I don't remember what it was like before having her around. I have known for a long time that I wouldn't be able to have a child until she was gone. I knew I'd have to wait for her. And it's not like I've been ready to have a child- I don't date and rarely meet someone I'd be interested in seeing. The few relationships I've had have been longer term and have been intense, in a way. I hope I can find someone to share my life with. I feel like I've been waiting for him. Part of me doesn't think I'll really ever find someone. I'm so weird and different and particular.... and I need a particular type of person, and there just aren't alot of people I'd even be able to be with, just for a lack of living in the same world. But, I've been very sad and lonely for a long while now, and would love to have a family. I will and have always made my own family. I am looking forward to being closer to family. I don't know how I'm going to get through Zep's passing. When Joey journeyed on in January, it was very very difficult for me. I really needed someone and I didn't have anyone. I just prayed and prayed that I would have someone with me when Zep passed. Now I'm worried, and pretty sure, that I won't have anyone in my life. But maybe I can get some love and support from friends and family. I know it's going to be rough and I can't even really think about it yet. I just hope I can have someone around to hug.

As far as Zep goes, she's been feeling pretty well, although today we went on a walk and she really seemed to tire towards the end. We weren't gone very long, and it was warm and sunny out. I thought she might fall down on the way back to the house. I was worried about her. But she made it ok. I'm wondering if the warm day was too hot and it was hard for her to breathe. We may need to start taking walks in the mornings and evenings, and not mid-afternoon. They've been getting chicken with their dogfood, and extra treats. My mom and dad sent her a stuffed bunny :) She got some new tennis balls. We've been playing a little every now and then. Just not too much running to affect her breathing too much. She's sleeping now. She seems to be sleeping a little more. She's startling more and not hearing or noticing things. She's been letting me love on her alot more, and I've been loving on her as much as possible, without smothering her. We're taking it one day at a time, but really much less than than. I'm grateful to live close to my work, so I can come home at lunch and check on her. I'm really hoping I can make a move soon enough and get to a nice place for her to settle in to. I'm hoping we don't have to stay here through the summer. We will if we have to, but we'll see how it goes.

Well, I wrote more than I thought I would.... but there is more to write on. Of course now I know that this blog is simply for my self expression and self therapy.... just to be able to let these thoughts out. If anyone reads this, I hope you are well. Sending my love :)

as the day turns to night...

There is alot I'd like to write about, but of course my time to write is when I'm on my way to bed and loosing all focus. If I could just write this while I'm standing there at work thinking about what I'd write if I could. As far as Zeppelin goes, we were able to get in to the vet this afternoon and he gave me all of the necessary information, which wasn't alot, but still I needed to hear it and talk to someone. He said she looks great, but the cancer is in an advanced stage, and he's guessing 6 months, and up to a year. Who knows how it will go, anything could happen. She could have a slow and gradual decline, or she could be fine and then have a rapid decline. The tumors are growing in her lungs and reducing her air to breathe, so obviously increased breathing and respiratory problems will be expected. She has a cough, but doesn't cough alot now. She loves to run and play, especially exploring natural areas, so we've been doing that, but keeping it light. She adores playing ball, but we've been keeping that to a minimum because she tires quickly. I will keep playing ball with her because she loves that more than almost anything. I will also be giving her more foods that she likes, because she loves that too. She loves to lay in the sun, she loves to roll in the grass. She loves to go for a walk in the woods, and she loves to go for a ride. So, we will be doing lots of what she loves. The vet said it's all about her quality of life, which is so true. I've always tried my hardest to give her the best life possible, and I will continue that as much as I possibly can. The vet said it's good that her time will be in the summer because her arthritis will be much better. Zeppelin is tough. I have a feeling she will hang in there as much as she can. So, we're just going to take it as it comes, day by day, moment by moment. I love her more than I could say. She has been my best friend, my love, my baby, my world, my family, my home. I don't know what life is like without her. We've been in an close relationship for 14 years. She loves me too. I am starting to feel a little bit hopeful, not so scared, and not so much in denial. I know it's going to be tough and I don't want it to be like it is, but I'm going to give her all I have.

I've been thinking about expectations lately. What we expect from others..... I will write more about this next time.

I'm too tired and all of my thoughts are fading. I've had little sleep lately and being up for work at 4am is something completely unnatural to me. 8pm is not really that early when I get up at 4am. And, it's not even dark yet....there is so much to think about.... and ...........

one step at a time...

Well, how and where do I start. Friday I took my beautiful dog Zeppelin to the vet to get some xrays done of her lungs. She had a cancerous mammory tumor removed a year ago, and the vet wondered if the cancer had spread to her lungs, due to a cough and a limp. A vet was able to go over the xrays with me, since my vet wasn't able to see me until Monday evening. The cancer has spread to her lungs, and in the vet's words, it is "advanced". There are several large tumors, and several smaller tumors in the lungs. This is not good. It will be fatal and there is usually not a large survival time. I am waiting to write about any more details until I talk to my vet tomorrow evening. I am feeling many things- shock, numb, sad, afraid, worried, angry, etc. etc. Part of me feels like I'm walking around numb, and sad. Another part of me is hopefully and looking forward to every moment more than I have with her. Zeppelin is feeling ok- very happy at times, and seemingly stiff and just not moving quite as easy at others. I've been working of doing lots of things that she loves, we've been taking more walks in her favorite places (along the river, parks with lots of doggie smells, etc. etc.) without getting her too overworked. She's gotten new treats and new tennis balls, her favorite :). Today she got a bath. I said hey- just because you have cancer doesn't mean you get out of having a bath! You're filthy! :)

So, I have lots more to share, and I think this place is going to be good for me, to be able to vent, share, etc. So thanks to anyone who takes the time to read and "listen". We're both in need of support, so please feel free to send any love way. We love you too. :)

this blog is in the midst of a complete change of direction.